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Archive for July, 2009

This evening I brought Diaperbutt swimming at the local pool. It took me about 20 minutes to walk there (which means really it is too far to go to cool down in the summer as the walk home would negate the cooling down). He, of course, had a great time splashing in the pool.

It is a pretty simple pool. 25m, 6 lane pool. No extra bells & whistles. Small changerooms. Pretty basic equipment. It seems to be fairly clean, but I know most people in town would disagree (so either my standards are too low or I just go at the right times). The pool deck is usually tidy & the chemistry seems to be well balanced.

But in the 7 years we have lived in town the programs & schedules have not changed one bit & frankly are rather inadequate & don’t take full advantage of the facilities. The swims end 10 minutes before the posted time (who runs a 50 minute swim?). The prices are rather high considering the quality of the programming.

But the lifeguarding is scary bad. Tonight the two guards were tandem guarding, from deck chairs & one of them was eating her supper. There are SO many things wrong & unacceptable with that situation & sadly it seems to be the norm at this pool as I have yet to see anyone guard in any other manner even during a VERY busy public swim (during which they also didn’t meet ratios).

A friend of mine once (jokingly) yelled at me when we were swimming “You’re NOT guarding right now!” but it seems it is just second nature to me now to be hyper aware of what is going on around me when I’m in the water.

Sigh. I guess my conundrum with the whole situation is that if I complain I feel certain it would fall on deaf ears & as it is a small town I don’t really want my name on some sort of list of crazy people.

The problem really is just that the place is run by the same group of men who have been there for years & won’t be leaving anytime soon (they’d be stupid to, they have a pretty sweet deal).

Ok, the parking drives me crazy as well. There are only about 10 spots along the side where the doors are (the rest are around the side of the building) & pretty much all those spots are reserved for staff. They even have signs on the doors reiterating those spots are for staff & that violators will be towed/ticketed. WTF?! Someone has seriously lost sight of who they are supposed to be servicing.

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We bought a baby monitor.

I didn’t want a baby monitor – I find the constant humming irritating (kind of like that sound the tv makes when the sound is off – ick!).

I didn’t think we needed a baby monitor – we haveĀ  a smaller house – surely we would be able to hear him without it.

But Diaperbutt is not a screamer. He’s kind of quiet.

And Charlotte is BAAAAD & tried to lie on his face one night (thankfully when I was right there), so the door needs to stay closed.

So, now we have a baby monitor.

The humming is not so bad afterall.

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I’m sitting here watching an Oprah rerun from January of this year while Diaperbutt naps. She is talking about her recent weight gain & how she is dealing with it.

I don’t watch Oprah on a regular basis but occassionally check in to see what the topic is. Today it is as if this rerun was put on just for me.

Part of what I find interesting & comforting is seeing Oprah’s struggle with her weight. She is seemingly so honest about it & it really is telling that despite having everything in the world at her fingertips she still struggles with it. Oprah is one of the world’s most successful women so clearly my ongoing internal correlation with my being fat equalling me being a complete failure in life is dysfunctional thinking.

I have been really struggling as of late to stay on track. I know what I need to do. I have a million & one reasons to do what needs to be done (not the least of which is Diaperbutt & my intense desire not to develop diabetes). I just don’t seem to be able to stay focussed.

Today Oprah said “What are you hungry for?”, elaborating that for her it isn’t about the food. Which is something I’ve gone through before but haven’t put into words for myself lately. I roam the kitchen looking for things to eat (which is difficult ’cause we keep practically nothing snack like in the house) but I am rarely actually hungry. Nothing fills the “cravings” I’m having.

But then she spoke about her diagnosis with thyroid issues & how it made her just feel like that was it – this was her life sentence to be fat. And that is what hit the nail on the head for me. I have lost the faith I used to have that I can conquer this permanently. I feel as though it will always be an uphill climb & I guess I’m getting tired of it. The thought is just too daunting.

The good thing is that I have reached a point where it is not so much about being thin. I know I will never have a model’s body. I don’t even care if I ever get out of plus sizes (although it would make buying clothes MUCH easier & cheaper). I know I will always be a large woman. I just want to be healthy. I don’t want this threat of diabetes hanging over me anymore.

I have polycystic ovarion syndrome (PCOS) which makes it harder. I have a family history of women with weight struggles which certainly doesn’t make this easier. I have a lot of weight to lose which makes it more daunting & more difficult (let’s face it 20lbs seems a lot more doable than 100lbs). I have insulin resistance thanks to the pcos which makes it harder.

But really all any of that means is that it is harder for me, not impossible.

Sure, some people can add a walk a day to their lives & drop weight but that isn’t true for me. I have to add intense, hardcore exercise everyday to drop weight – but that is doable. And some people can maintain a lower weight while eating peanut butter sandwiches everyday. I have to limit my intake of all types of sugars & carbs (pb sandwiches are not exactly low carb!) & focus on the veggies & proteins – but that is doable. And some lucky people can even sit around doing nothing more active then walking to the car & stay stick thin – that most definitely is not me.

Life is not fair but, man, do I wish it was!

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Without a doubt those first several months were all about me. Grumpybear got no more notice from Diaperbutt than anyone else in the world. I have the breasts filled with milk & not much else mattered.

But now Diaperbutt is all about his Papa. Grumpybear has to stay out of sight & quiet when Diaperbutt is nursing or else he’s totally distracted. When Grumpybear is in the kitchen cooking Diaperbutt makes a beeline for the kitchen. And when Grumpybear walks in the room Diaperbutt breaks into a big smile & flaps his arms with excitement.

I know that Papa is somewhere around here.

I know that Papa is somewhere around here.

After our two months living apart while we were waiting to move back into our house it is so nice to see it hasn’t negatively effected their relationship. And it is so special to see the two of them bonding.

Diaperbutt having a cuddle & a stroll with his Papa. He totally does not settle in with me in this carry but with Grumpybear he immediately puts his head against his chest & quietly observes the world.

Diaperbutt having a cuddle & a stroll with his Papa. He totally does not settle in with me in this carry but with Grumpybear he immediately puts his head against his chest & quietly observes the world.

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I wish I could feel as motivated & ambitious at 8 in the morning as I do at 8 at night. Each day I seem to struggle to push myself to be productive, or at least not be a total bum, until the evening & then BOOM I’m ready to roll!

On Friday night I prepped the strawberries & rhubarb I had picked earlier in the day for jam & some for freezing, cleaned the kitchen, brought a bunch of stuff out to the garage, swept the house & did a bunch of tidying. Last night I finished making the jam (it had to sit overnight), rolled up & put away the carpet runners we had through the house (which was to protect the floors when we moved… awhile ago!), cleaned the kitchen — always an ongoing task, put the frozen berries into measured bags, put away the groceries & tried to deal with the fruit fly issue we are having. Tonight I ironed & sewed the curtains for the livingroom/diningroom — I had cut them a few weeks ago, hung the curtains & did some tidying.

I suppose the upside of my night owl ways is that I get to spend the day focussed on & enjoying Diaperbutt knowing that I can be productive when I’m most inspired without his “help”. And now that he is crawling so efficiently he really does need our full attention – it is incredible how quick he is getting!

It’s really too bad my Mom comes to watch Diaperbutt in the morning so I can go to the gym – I bet I’d have awesome workouts if I did it in the evening!

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Diaperbutt has had all the telltale teething signs for about 5 months now (guess they’re not so telltale). He drools, he chews on everything he can get his mouth around, he sleeps poorly the occassional night for no apparent reason & has daytime grumpiness for no apparent reason. Four months ago the pediatrician said his gums looked like they were thickening (apparently another telltale teething sign).

But today he has 2 very obvious red bumps on his lower gum right in front. So I am going to take that as a true sign he is actually teething. Who knows we might actually see teeth this week. A huge part of me hopes we do not (I am breastfeeding & would be happier if he got those first chompers after he learned the meaning of the word NO – being bitten doesn’t sound like fun).

I think I might be the only first time mother who is not altogether excited to see her child meet new milestones. Perhaps it is because I know it means the current stage is over (I’ve had lots of time to hear other mother’s lament how fast they grow up). Or maybe I’m just lazy (really, when Diaperbutt just sat still where you put him it was too easy – this crawling thing means a lot more vigilance!). Or maybe it’s just ’cause we’ve been fortunate that Diaperbutt has reached most of his milestones quickly (so we’ve had no chance to worry about his progress).

Ok – I admit, I’d LOVE for him to reach the point where he understands simple instructions, like “For the love of all that is good, STOP pulling my hair & pinching my boob skin!!!”.

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